Dark Force

I wonder why I check my mailbox every day. Oh, yeah, maybe it’s because of the automatic job match that I reactivate.

The only reason I always get trapped in my own negative thoughts is because I have too much time for pondering around, be it when I was traveling or as a hollow bystander as for now. Pondering itself is good but it’s also capable of dragging you into a bottleneck if you are not controlling it, especially when you are a pessimistic person. There is always a limit for something.   

Perhaps you don’t know. Those things that I was doing since quitting my job and those things that I’m considering to do next are those I’ve been thinking to do it when I was, ahem, ‘younger’. So, to some extent, I shouldn’t feel too ‘late’ to have done it by now, yeah, shouldn’t. It’s just things change, you change or something makes you change, and sometimes doubts start to crawl in and you lose confidence or even passion and end up calling those a dream.

My heart is the ultimate culprit of all these. It’s not steady enough. Dark force is a new term in my life given by my friend. It’s quite interesting to know that when I was working, the dark force is asking me to leave and do something that you have been thinking of, and while I was traveling, the dark force is calling me to get back to work. I already feel the late when I graduated from university at the age of 24. Time flies like no tomorrow. I have to admit that pressure comes when age grows. I know I’m not that old but I think it’s time for me to answer to myself responsibly. If I’m younger I would have ignored everything. That’s why sometimes I wonder how those single senior travelers I met on the road thinks. I admit that my heart is not consistent enough. I think strong mind and having faith on the things I do is the only ‘exit point’ for me.

I just want to lead a slightly different life if possible, at least give me another chance to try it. One final chance and I shall get back to ‘normal’. This is the promise I render to myself. If settling down and repeating the same chores like others is my fate, then I will take it as my destiny. Routine life isn’t that bad after all.

This is the power of faith – believing in God only to rationalize every failure you encounter in life.